lost and pushed around

Once many years ago I lost my true love, my other part...It was painful, and all the more so because I had to tell the doctors to stop life support and let me hold his hand til he was gone...but I knew he would want it that way, we had talked about it .  Having had the perfect fulfilling love, I don't long for another; there is a sense of peace in me... but at the time, I needed to grieve and at approximately the same time his mother had lost his father.....The woman lost her whole family.  I was all she had left and I was living with her...  We got along well.  We filled the need each other had.

Two months later my stepfather died in another state leaaving my mother alone.  Now my mother is a very independent woman.. But my brothers told her I would be moving up to stay with her and had I been the noromal Michele I would have said, "wait a minute, I have a promising job, a house, a life in Texas and if mom needs to be with us, we need to move her here."  But I was numb..I hadn't grieved...I still didn't believe he was gone, I was trying to deal with renting the house and packing up furniture and clothes and dogs and cats.  I came home and told my mother in law that I had to go to Coloraado.....  It left her having to sell her house aand go to live with her sister which was not aan ideal arrangement.  I have felt guilty for years...and angry that people just assumed they could put me where they wanted.  Like when I couldn't like at my brother's they all decided I needed to be in independent living.  I could have done into an apartment.  No more is anyone going to decide where I go or what I do.

There is no point to discussing this with my brothers now.  Too much time has passed.  But the years I was there were from 54-57 and then in independent living until I was 60.  Those were years that I could have been building a social life.

I am now 67 and have lived with mhy broher for 7 years...  I don't meet anyone here and don't have the fogggiest notion now to meet someone other than at a bar.....life is lonely. but i always has been....except when I was with Tim.  my other nusbands wwere round pegs that fit in round holes.  I am a round peg, but I fit in a special square hole...  Tim was a square peg with a peculiar round hole.   He used to say "stand on your head'  look at it from another angle.  We walked at midnight to enjoy the stars in the dark sky,  we danced on the patio...in the rain.  We sat up and talked into the early morning aabout music, art, books, politics, philosophy.....Who do I talk to now?