THE OUTLET

There is nothing like quiet.  It calms the soul.  It helps slow down the racing mind and bring it into a sense of normalcy.  The louder it gets around here....the more confusion....the faster my mind goes,  the tighter the muscles in my neck tighten til I want to flee to some quiet mountain side (I'm from Colorado) and listen to the stillness.  I used to have an outlet for when this happened to me.  I was a concert level pianist...and I would play and play for hours if necessary to ward off the racing thoughts.  But now I find that somehow what goes through my head does not come out on my fingers.   Unless I practice for hours a day. and we all know bipolar people don't have the capacity to commit to a rigorous practice session. so when I would play either nothing would hap  pen or it would sound dissonant and raucous........another piece of me gone.   I gave away my piano to a young man who wanted to learn to play with the caveat that he take lessons from me for a year.  He is now composing on the piano.  It is a small comfort.  But what do I do for an outlet?......................scream?