On Being Bipolar

I have been challenged by this condition all my life. I just didn't know I had it until 1993! That's when it got severe and I was diagnosed Bipolar I, rapid cycling. At the time, I was bouncing between the depths of depression by way of suicide attempts and highs that were so extreme I went for days without sleep. I loved the night time (actually, still do) and spent them writing, dancing, partying, painting, ... you name it, I probably was doing it.

But, prior to that time, I had bipolar symptoms of a person on an almost continuous high...i.e., I was on the manic edge almost daily. I think, for the most part, I probably would have been diagnosed as having mixed state status as the depression would happen in the middle of a day and be gone by the night time. Sometimes, I would be depressed even though I had a high rate of energy. That's how it always was with me. Thoughts racing and moods changing rapidly were the usual pattern. I was also: intelligent, creative, sensitive, perceptive, passionate, energetic, charismatic, take-charge, spontaneous, charming, emotional, sexual, organized, uninhibited, productive, committed, compassionate, personable, highly successful at whatever I attempted. I was a leader and motivator. Which brings me to the point that I wanted to make. All those things are positive attributes ... and most bipolar people can claim the same qualities. So, we are potentially outstanding people. So being bipolar has some advantages. We just need to be coralled a bit...to obtain some sort of semi-stability.

I have, luckily, found that through the right combo of medicines and therapy. I still have mood swings, but not as often and, when I do have them, I've learned some coping skills. Life isn't perfectt, but it's not bad. The only drawback of attaining stability is that I find my verbal creativity is not quite so sharp as bfore. But that's a tradeoff I can handle....usually.

Testing the Limits -- the Conclusion

A comment on my last entry in my blog "Bipolar Bytes" prompted me to this update on events in my March 2007 post "Testing the Limits". It's been almost a year since that horrifying experience. I am happy to report that, although he doesn't have perfect range of motion in the fingers, my brother has reached close to total recovery. He went through two surgeries -- the initial reconstruction and surgery to replace the tendon on the third finger. The scarring is minimal. He still does not have feeling in most of the fingers....it will come in time.

He pursued recovery tenaciously, keeping an upbeat attitude and working through 4+ months of Occupational Therapy -- three days a week. He didn't miss one appointment. His take: "Compared to someone with ALS or a similar disease, this is a minor handicap." He was somewhat disheartened when the doctor released him stating that there was nothing further he would recommend because he still didn't have full movement of the fingers and his strength (like in gripping) is not what it once was; however, as the doctor promised, it continues to improve. He has returned to woodworking and, sense of humor intact, his saw now bears yellow caution

tape and an inscription "R.I.P. Digit" in memory of his lost index finger. Doctor Fernando Levaro, Houston TX, is the miracle worker who performed the surgeries and directed the therapist in his recovery.

I guess if I have learned anything from this, it's the severity of having a handicap is relative. I will remind myself that being bipolar certainly is less serious than a fatal illness.

Moving through the forest

I am refreshed by the foliage

A sort of calm sets in me

Absorbing the beauty and enfleurage

Subtle scents of wildflowers and the

lush verdure make me heady

Oh what a great respite from life

so corrupted and deadly.

I am revitalized by the breath of the forest.

Michele J Campbell

Copyright January 2008

2008 Reading List

Prodigal Summer by Barbara Kingsolver
The Red Tent by Anita Diamant
Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follet
The President's Daughter by Mariah Stewart
Missing Mom by Joyce Carol Oates
Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafon
Imagist Poetry: An Anthology

A Beautiful Day.

It's much too beautiful to be inside today. Shorts weather. I walked early this morning (2.5 miles) with Hattie, my Golden Chow Retriever. We walked through the "Forest". I am so lucky that we have miles of walking trails in the community where I live. It was planned the way I think all neighborhoods should be planned: They only cut the trees necessary to build homes. Consequently, as the marquee says, it is the "Livable Forest". I took a break from the house and washed my brother's truck just because I wanted to be outside in the nice weather. Why is it I have to have a reason to be outside? I always feel like I have to be doing something productive. Don't I know it's Saturday -- my day off? he he

I went on an expedition in blog world. I read blogs and then went to the blogroll and selected one to read. From that one I didthe same thing. It was an interesting trip. I found out about Red Pandas; found a site which constantly has a new item, i.e., a game or request for comments and was amazed at finding almost 200 comments on one item. I got so immersed in what I was doing that two hours went by in a whoosh!

Thanks for the comments on my last post. Last night I slept better...starting at about 3:30. I got the idea to take a Benedryl along with one BC powder because I woke with a headache. I was sleeping beautifully at 8:00 only to be awakened by the Doberman who insisted it was time for breakfast. Normally, I'm up at 5:00; but it was heavenly having 4.5 hours of uninterrupted snooze time. I think tonight I'll try taking the BC and Benedryl prior to bed...Maybe I'm waking because of minor aches??? In any event, I'm going to try it. I've nothing to lose and ZZZ's to gain.

I have received notice of a highschool reunion. I always felt I wouldn't bother to go back if my class had one. But this one is different...It is the school where I spent only my freshman year. It was a small school. Last year via Classmates, I found a friend-- actually a my best friend from grade school thru 9th grade. Alice and I again crossed paths when our children attended the same grade school but I moved away and we lost touch. Last May she came to Texas and we have been in constant contact since. It is strange how we were able to rekindle a friendship with seemingly no interruption since the 1970s. It is very strange that we both married (and divorced) the same type of man. They even both had the same kind of back injury and became disabled and more difficult with which to deal. She and I are both very happily unattached although I do see someone regularly. (However, should he propose a permanent relationship, I would probably run for the hills.) At any rate, I am going to go to the reunion in June and then return to spend a week with her in the small southern CO town where she lives. I am curious to see the people from my class; but more excited about spending personal time with Alice.

So I am trying to focus on the positives: my son's April wedding; my proposed trip to CO; walking and, hopefully, my good friend her and I will get our plan underway for working out on a regular basis.

mood changes

I am having a rough time with mood swings. Why is it that someone else's behavior can have such an impact on me? Or is it the med change? I am definitely more vulnerable to changes in my environment since going off the Topamax. I didn't sleep last night because my best friend was in a car accident and had alcohol on her breath. She spent the night and most of the morning in jail. I was a wreck just thinking about how scared and insecure she must feel. The thing that sucks is that it was the beginning of her birthday "weekend" that her husband had planned. Four couples coming into town to celebrate with her. Granted, she shouldn't have been driving if she had had a glass of wine; however, it would have been fine except for one bitch in the car that she tapped with hers insisting that they must call the police. They could have just exchanged insurance information. Now, I am not in favor of drinking and driving and know that drunk drivers cause a lot of sorrow and destruction of lives. But when your friend doesn't exercise good judgment and taps -- and the damage was minimal -- another car in changing lanes in rush hour traffic, it just doesn't seem right that she is the one in jail when others who are drunk out of their minds are causing fatalities and getting away with it. I'm just glad no one was hurt and that she is okay. It didn't help my sleep last night though. And I had a card returned via US mail from the youngest daughter marked "no longer at this address". I checked with her neighbors and found that she is still living in the condo. One possibility is that it was misdelivered and someone else marked it that way.....but I am not holding my breath. I will send one more card to see if it is returned. I just don't know what to say to her except that I love her and miss her. Any suggestions? I'm off to read and go to sleep....hopefully.