REGARDING BIPOLAR MEDS

My friend Sheryl has a theory that if I just get enough exercise, I won't need my meds. I love her theory and towards that went and signed up with the YMCA for an exercise program. We'll see if the endorphins from working out replace the mixed up chemistry in my brain.

Meanwhile, to keep you posted., I walked 4.75 miles today. What an exhilerating feeling. The weather was beautirul. I would redommend this therapy for anyone game to try it.

Things Bipolar - Status Quo

This is a random post so I can keep track of my so-called stability. So far the Provigil approach is working. I awoke and immediately pulled the covers over my head which had a dull foggy feeling. The mood stabilizer is definitely showing signs of its absence. The joy of bipolar neurotransmitters out of whack...I am tired of the constant change in my mood. I'm rapid cycling which leaves me feeling like I've been traveling a marathon trip over half the United States. Seriously, it reminds me of when I was working and traveling back and forth between New York, Virginia and Colorado.. That was in the period where I threw off my paralegal career and took a position in management. It didn't take...I guess I am too much the individual performer. We all know that those of us with mental illnesses usually don't do our best work in relationships .............and management is one big relationship party. But I digress........mainly because I can't keep my mind focused on one path tonight. I took my meds: the Geodon, Abilify and Provigil and within a half an hour. I was together mentally. I managed to stay focused and busy throughout the day up until about a half an hour ago and it's time for bed now so I guess I can be as disjointed as anything and still go to sleep. Now if I can just stay there. I have had this insomnia-like behavior that I wake every 50 minutes and then I'm hungry. I have given in to these cravings and I think now I am probably waking up every 50 minutes to eat!! I'm going to have to get my prescription filled for the Temazepam. If I can just remember to send that on its way to the mail order address tomorrow.

OBAMA FOR CULTURAL UNDERSTANDING: SCARY

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."
-- Edmund Burke

I have serious concerns about the safety of our nation. It worries me that more people don't vote. More than that, I believe we have become mesmerized into a false sense of security regarding terrorism.. With an election coming up, I think it is critical that the people of this country exercise their right to vote and consider that the radicals of Islam hate our country and what it stands for. Be reminded, we are viewed as the "INFIDELS"....something to be DESTROYED.

In an interview, Barak Obama has said the following:
A Childhood of Different Religions"Let me just sort of be as clear as possible in terms of what that background is. You know, I was raised basically by my mother, who came from a Christian background—small town, white, Midwesterner. But, she was not particularly religious. My father, who I did not know—I spent a month of my life in his presence, otherwise he was a stranger to me—was raised in a household where his father had converted to Islam. But my father, for all practical purposes, was agnostic. My mother remarried an Indonesian and we moved to Indonesia. But for two years I went to a Catholic school in Indonesia, and then for two years went to a secular school in Indonesia. The majority of children there were Muslim. But it wasn't a religious school. So almost all the facts that have been presented in the scurrilous emails are wrong. And I've been a member of my church now for almost 20 years and have never been a person of the Muslim faith. Now, having said all that, I absolutely believe that having lived in a country that was majority Muslim for a time and having distant relatives in Africa who are Muslim, that I'm less likely to demonize the Muslim faith and more likely to understand that they are ordinary folks who are trying to figure out how to live their lives and raise their kids and prosper just like anybody else. And I do think that that cultural understanding is something that could be extremely valuable."

That's a nice sentiment. One we cannot afford to consider. For your own information, just take a look at the following website

http://www.multied.com/Terrorhistory.html for a history of terroristic attacks on our country. You may be surprised at what you find.. Terrorism is a serious threat to our freedom. It is real -- and it prospering.

While I am against religious prejudice, I do not think that cultural understanding should be our first concern in selecting a leader for America. We are hated by Islam. Obaama is a politician and, as such, is going to tell the Americcan people what they want to hear. He may be a Christian....or ??? I guess the question is: Given the history of violence against our country, do we really want to hand over the reins to America to someone who is more concerned about cultural understanding for Islam. Consider the possibilities. I prefer a candidate who has strong convictions against terrorism and sees it as a major concern. This guy scares me...

UPDATE ON MEDS

I have been on Topamax for use as a mood stabilizer for severa years...and happily have had little problem with large mood swings. It has been a terrific medicine ..... until recently when mhy vision started to blur. I remembered that a less often encountered side effect had to do with vision. I realize it is time to get my eyes checked and that I'm not getting any younger; however, this blurred vision came on rather suddenly. So, I titrated the medicine down to zero dosage to see if there would be an improvement in my sight and, lo and behold, it improved. I still need glasses to see...but the blurriness went away. So when I went to my pdoc today, I told him what had happened and we disccussed what to do for a mood stabilizer. In the past, nothing had been terribly effective. Then he said, "Let's see if we can't do something that makes sense. How are you feeling off the medication?" I told him that I feel a little bit of depression pulling on me which is manifestiing itself by my being sleepy and non alert during the day. I also told him about S not communicating and that is reason for depression. We discussed antidepressants and the fact that they usually lead to mania. Then we discussed treating the symptoms of depression, i.e., I reminded him that we had good luck with Provigil once before when I was suffering from this type of depressed behavior. He responded that he thought it would be a good plan to try that first. So, for the moment, we are treating my depression symptoms with Provigil (a stimulant), my mania with Abilify & Geodon. It may be that I will be able to get by without a mood stabilizer on this plan. Also, as I discussed with Dr. Burden my Ph.D therapist, the coping skills I have acquired through therapy may serve me well. She told me an interesting fact in psychology: Once you have improved psychologically, you do not usually go back to a
former state. Maybe there is hope that my meds will be able to decrease by elimination of one psych pill...I will only take the provigil as needed....so if the depression lifts, I won't take it. It's an interesting approach. I guess there is always something new to try and the fact that my pdoc is not one who prescribes "the normal regime" but looks for new approaches is one of the reasons I respect him. Here's hoping we will have success.

S is still Not Communicating.

I am not sleeping well. I am awake every hour. My mood is alright but I can feel the fingers of depression pulling on me. I am sure it is all related to the continuing lack of communication from the yougest daughter, S. I have tried to think of a way to make it not matter, but there is no success in that effort. It is what I imagine the loss of a child would be. It is as if she died and I have no closure. Her best friend went by her house hoping to talk with S. No one answered the bell. She went to the neighbors and was visiting them when she received a text message from S saying "I am not home. Please move your car from my property. You are not invited." I would go by her house except I am afraid of what my mood would do if I received a similar message.....Violence or a breakdown? I just know I would have an extreme reaction. That's the bitch of it...once they are grown, there is no way to force an issue. I can't just demand that she communicate. Her phone no longer words and her email is now invalid. The only thing I can do is send a card or letter....and still it is one-way communication. Meanwhile, I can't turn my mind off of this matter. I've tried remembering the happy things and saying "all in good time"...but it doesn't stop the worry or frustration or the inability to sleep and the gradual sinking that I am feeling. I have never done well with things that I cannot control and this situation is one of them.
I have an appoinement with my pdoc on Wednesday and wiill ask for something to help me sleep. Meantime, it is the ongoing subject in my weekly therapy sessions.

The Bank: I Could have Used some Human Intervention.

Someday I will do a list of things that irk me. For today, it is the great efficiency with which my bank is able to arbitrarily issue NSF fees on my account. and technology so "advanced" that a computer error cannot be corrected immediately manually. I miss the days when one could go into the bank, talk to a person and whatever problem existed could be rectified then and there. We were not at the mercy of a computer system. I love being able to access my account online and all the other things the computer make possible. However, I think when the computer program cannot be corrected by a human being, we have gone too far.

It all started with an unauthorized 91.00 debit on my debit card which was immediately cancelled by the person who ran it. The transaction was rerun for the appropriate amount $45.82. No problem..........until later in the day when I write a check for cash and am told by the bank that it won't clear. I leave the drive-in teller in a state of confusion.

At home I check online -- the $91 posted to my account - this has thrown my account into a negative balance. Great!!! now my funds are "frozen" with this $91 charge -- And a call to the bank says I have to wait for it to clear itself. Oh, and guess what? it has arbitrarily charged me $32.50 NSF (insufficient funds fee). Just add that to my overdraft balance. I'm thrilled. I request online that the bank eliminate the NSF charge of 32.50 and note that the 91.00 should not have been charged. Now, even though my original balance was enough to cover them, when three items hit the bank the$91+32.50 have caused my balance to appear to be insufficient to clear them. The bank pays them and charges me three more arbitrary NSF charges of $32.50 each. Meanwhile the $91 has cleared, but now the NSF charges are causing a negative balance. Fortunately, in the midst of this my monthly SS check came in bringing my balance to a positive figure and eliminating any further NSF charges.

I believe it should be unlawful for the NSF charges to become part of your balance. Many a checking account has suffered the ravages of NSF circular disaster. I also think that NSF charges should be the last item of the day to be deducted. Sometimes I have noted where a bank will charge the NSF fees and then credit a deposit later thereby increasing the number of items for which the bank has charged a fee.

All this because the bank couldn't cancel out the $91. The current status is that the initial NSF of 32.50 was refunded four days after all the other items had hit the bank. I have a request in for a reversal and credit of $97.50 for the additional NSF charges which were generated because of the original error and their issuing the original NSF charge. I believe we should be a little more careful with our computer programs automatic and arbitrary actions. To me, the best technology can be overwritten by its human user. If the bank could have immediately reversed the $91 I could have avoided the entire adventure. It could also have immediately reversed the 32.50 thereby avoiding the further NSF charges which were issued...and, imagine if you will, dealing with people instead of arbitrary computer actions, the account might even have been tagged to prevent any NSF charges ever to issue when the initial problem was noted. But then I have always been opposed to arbitrary consequences ---- so long as we are human and subject to error.

"Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy." Joseph Campbell

More About the Mule

There's been a lot of focus on the Mule since its purchase last month. It seems my brother thinks of little else. He and a couple of buddies planned a four-wheeler trip up north of here a week ago which turned into a rescue event for the Mule. They spent the day before making Texas chile in Bill's dutch oven on the camp stove which they took with them for heating it. The devils also took my last dozen eggs for their breakfast unbeknownst to me!. (Bill has a new interest in cooking in cast iron skillets and dutch ovens and has some personalized pieces from a foundry here in Texas.) -- Anyway, they took three four-wheelers and the Mule and set out early on a Sunday a.m. to an 80 acre four-wheeler park. Apparently part way through the day someone (unknown to them) got seriously injured - broken neck and collarbone --falling from their vehicle five miles into the property where an ambulance couldn't go. Bill was called upon to drive the paramedics into the victim and drive him out on the backboard with the IV hanging fromo the rollbar via his belt. At one point they had to hook the mule to a four-wheeler to pull it through the mud because he had to go so slow due to the seriousness of the injured party. But they made it back to the edge of the property to the Flight-for-life helicopter where he was taken into Houston to the Medical Center. It was quite exciting all-in-all. So Bill has now ordered a remote control spot light for the Mule as a new add-on.
He said it would have been helpful as it was nearing dusk when they were coming out of the property. Bill has been involved in helping in emergencies before. I recall him volunteering when there was a call for four-wheel drive vehicles in Denver during an airplane crash during a severe storm and he and our brother - his twin - had a jeep.

The funny end of the Mule story was the next day when into hour two of power washing off the fourwheelers and the Mule of the dried-on, caked mud, I went out and asked if they were about through as I was tired of listening to the power washer and my brother retorted, "I hope so...this isn't nearly so fun as it was getting them this way yesterday!" Clean - up of the vehicles, trailer and driveway took a total of three and a half hours! and another hour and a half returning vehicles and the trailer to storage. I'm not sure it is worth the effort.....????

New Years Eve On the Mule In Texas

Well a happy New Year to all of you. I started to spend a quiet evening by myself as my brother went to our friends, Tom and Sheryl's for a few drinks. I was nicely bathed in a perfumed bath, comfortable in my jammies with a glass of pinot grigio and having called one of my daughters when my brother called me and said "Put on your coat and get my vest and come to Tom's...they have champagne! Well, I ran into my bedroom and threw on my jeans and a sweater, threw a comb through my hair, brushed on some powder, eyeshadow, mascara, drew on some eyebrows, brightened my lips and my brother then appeared and said I needed a heavy coat that we were taking the Mule (Kawasaki mule - off road vehicle). I pulled out my "Colorado coat" from the closet and pulled the hood over my head and we were off to Sheryl and Tom's house. Once there, we got out the champagne stems and toasted in the new year while some fool on TV raced his motorcycle over a football field. Then they called another friend in the neighborhood and we were off in the Mule to visit them. Karaoke was going on at that house and mule rides became popular immediately upon our arrival. We were there for a couple of hours visiting with them. We finally returned to Tom and Sheryl's and then home. and now I am ready for bed but wanted to wish all of you a Happy New Year before retiring for the first night of 2008. So may this new year bring all of you peace, joy, success, friendship, and love. and to quote Eric Clapton, "May you never lay your head down without a hand to hold - may you never make your bed out in the cold."