TIME PASSES

The house is back in order after two days of clean-up. I really love my brother and most of the children. I'm glad I got to see him and them. I will admit I do not do well in large numbers of people and I don't do well in mess and confusion. I am in the habit when I visit of making my bed, picking my things up and being tidy...not throwing m y things everywhere, leaving toothpaste and makeup all over the bathroom sink, counter, towels, floor, etc. I am not kidding when I say I could not get to my computer without moving countless items off of the desk while they were here...and you couldn't find a clear place on the floor that wasn't littered with clothes or towels from the pool or bath.. all bedrooms. I don't do clutter well. So, I have now put things back to right and everything is in its place. All the towels are washed and folded and in the closet. I am in the process of stripping the beds and remaking them. I will have to confess to having shut down the first two days and slept late until around noon and then started in on picking up and cleaning bathrooms, mopping floors, running the vacuum, cleaning out the refrigerator. Slowly, it is getting back to right.
Today I started on Bill's laundry and will do mine tomorrow and the ironing. It feels good to be back in a routine. I need to start walking to ward off the depression that this visit brought on. Funny the effect other people can have on your life. and still no word from the youngest daughter. I admit that it weighs on my mind not hearing from her. I am not doing so well at putting that in the basket of things I can do nothing about.

And so it continues...I'm chewing Ativan!!!

It itn's getting better...I am counting the hours. I never realized how much I dislike disorder and rudeness...and how much I appreciate the peace and order I have in my life. The other night my brother was up late and playing music in the garage quite late...she came out to sleep on the couch beccause she can't stand her husband (my other brother's) snoring. She wanted to call the police! to stop the partying in the garage. An exchange of words between her and my brother and he banished her to the bedroom. Such unpleasantness. Tonite she went out to eat while the rest of us had prime rib because she doesn't do red meat. A r oyal pain in the ass! Need I say more!

THE SISTER IN LAW SAGA

My house is full of people and stuff and things and nothing is in its right place. Clutter drives me mad. That is the joy of having six people come to visit for seven days. Catty women disgust me...especially when their remarks are directed at members of my family. Young women with foul mouths who act like cheap tramps bother me. These are the joys of having my sister-in-law and HER daughter visit. Alternatively, there is the joy of seeing my brother and HIS two children who I do miss . Steven has been somewhat distanced from the family since his marriage to this woman18 years ago. She is very self=centered and doesn't encourage extended family relations. However, being a twin, my Houston brother Bill does spend every summer for a week up at Lake Powell with Steven.. I'm never included though...The sister-in-law avoided me and my mother and my daughters like the plague...I think it is because the women in this family are all highly intelligent, motivated, college educated (degrees), accomplished, care about etiquette and proper forum, competitive, highly successful and I think she may feel intimidated/overwhelmed by us/ She is bright and works hard doing the books for my brother's business and is into physical fitness and sports...It's hard to have a conversation about anything else...except talking badly about other people. Every time we are thrown together I make myself a promise that I will accept her and it will be OK and it never fails ...after 30 minutes she will manage to make a comment about my daughter or mother on how they were so "up tight" or whatever referring to something that has to do with just plain good manners. And she is down right nasty when she says it. And then I'm done. I just dismiss it and walk away. Try as I might to get to like her it is just impossible. The woman has no class. She came back from the Country Club this morning madder than hell because they wouldn't let heer play golf on their course as she wasn't dressed appropriately. She had on mini blue jean shorts and a little top. They require 3/4 length shorts and a collared shirt. She is visiting a club where members pay dues of $100k and set the rules for the dress code and should be grateful that they will let her have access to their course. But she was angry that she couldn't play in what she had on. I had to give her clothes out of my closet to play in. Pretty funny. Just probbly the perfect story to explain what a spoiled person she is. But I wiill keep the peace because I love my brother and want to have a good relationship with him. She doesn't matter. And in six days all this mess will be packed up and go back to Colorado and the cleaning lady will come and my world will be good once again. Thanks for listening to me rant.

See-Saw Margery Daw I shall have Company Soon

The see-saw continues to flip-flop and I've added some Provigil to my meds...it's pulling me out of the rut and I dart in and out on a micro manic attack...that's manageable..It's just rough to keep stopping and starting...it's like "This is my mind on rush hour traffic" Ha! Brother is officially now on vacation for the next week so I willl have to do some mental adjusting...I am, after all quite used to being queen of my own space all day and it is about to be invaded by company: My other brother, his wife and their four grown children for....six---yes count that number......6....long days. That qualifies for a week in my book...I love my brother and I'm fond of some of the kids but six days of losing my routine....my space....Truly I am flexible and I adapt pretty well to most situations but this is the kind of stress that gets to me...lots of people in close proximity, some with whom I have nothing in common and I am expected to "entertain" -- are you getting the picture without my spelling it out? Read between the lines. But I will do my best to be a good sister-in-law despite all that. Are you with me now? Soo my stress level is a little elevated and I've been sure to see that my Ativan doesn't run out and if push comes to shove.....I can always go for a walk...she loves to walk. It's all we have in common. The house is looking good though---We have spent the past month redoing the two guest bedrooms and they really turned out nice. One was painted with a faux technique that made the walls look like leather and the room is a "cowboy reading room" == daybed with plaid spread, two wood and leather arm chairs and a table with an oil lamp, three nice pieces of western art, new 2 1/2" wood blinds in the window It is sweet. The other room went from a pink flowered room to a silver gray paper on one wall, gray paint on the other three, white 2 1/2" wooden blinds, new day bed with sage green formal spread, tassels on the pillows, bolsters, Three different green leaf prints framed in wooden frames over the bed. some miniature Japanese vases and some family photos and a copy of the Desiderata for art work. There's my desk and computer, printer on a stand, a cedar chest and a 1800's antique secretary. The room has a warm formal look to it. And I'm glad to report that...so far...the new cleaning lady is working out. She puzzles me a bit though...she does strange things like last week..she took my Windex with her. She had it in her bag of cleaning rags...and she forgot to do two of the tables in the living room. She seems a little "scattered" I am waiting to see if it is just nerves because she is new,,,or maybe she has a little mental twitch like some of the rest of us! time will tell...One thing is for sure she does a far better job than the old cleaning lady and for that I am oh so thankful..

THE SEE-SAW

I've been fighting a mood swing -- rapid cycling over the last week. Up and down and up and down like being on a see-saw. I'm not sure whether I want to run 99 mph or hide in my bed. Today I could barely get up and then my friend called and said she was coming over so I forced myself to get up and shower and wash my hair and get dressed. We went and ran a couple errands and suddenly I was in overdrive. She left and I spent a couple of hours working on the backyard and the pool, cleaned up my bedroom, got out the sewing machine and fixed a pair of slacks, wrote a couple of letters and then made beef stroganoff, salad, mixed vegetables, rice, biscuits and a german chocolate cake for dinner. After dinner, I cleaned up the kitchen and washed two loads of clothes. read my email and have been on the computer for a couple of hours. And................I'm wide awake.......my mind is racing....My medication probably needs to be adjusted...I just am unsure what to adjust...I suspect that it may have to do with the change of season. Every year when we hit Fall, I go into one of these rapid cyclling kicks...I will have to try taking the provigil when I am down in the am and see if that will get me going. It is helpful in working against depression...and I have had more of that than I have had of mania. Well that is all I have to report of tonight. I'm swinging down to a low again.

PARADOX OF PARENTHOOD

Parenting is thought of in traditional terms. The mom and dad raising the chiildren...taking them to kindergarten, watching that first date, sending them off to college, walking her down the aisle...All predictable...All assuming you know what is g oing on in their lives...All assuming that you are their natural parent with the same emotions. But life isn't like that in this world. We pretend too much.

I raised five children. His two, my two from previous marriages and our one. His two were ages 2 and 3 when they started calling me "mommy". I love them as dearly as if I had carried them for nine months. But, you know, despite the fact that their time spent with their mother was minimal --- and for my son, it was a bad relationship --- they go for months without contacting me. Somehow, and I can't put my finger on it, there is a difference.. It is like they say to themselves, "She is mom, but she isn't technically, but she IS mom." They have both told their natural motoher that I am "Mom". ... and when they need their "mom" it's me that they call...and yet, they go for months without calling. Explain it to me. I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!!

The children that I carried for nine months == my "natural children" == call me weekly...unless something isn't going well in which case I won't hear from them. They're funny that way. I know that if I don't hear from them something is wrong and I should call. It took awhile for me to figure this out but sure enough it is true for all three of them. (That's why I'm so sure there is a lot wrong with the youngest one right now ---------you see, she doesn't want to communicate!!)

So the point of this is that life is not necessarily this predictable Kodak moment. Children do not necessarily stay in touch on a daily basis letting you share with them what is part of their ongoing life. Some of them,, and maybe it's my fault for encouraging individual independence, carry on their life leaving only a weekly or even bi=weekly update of the highllights, if you will. It's a good thing that I'm not one of those parents who intended to live vicariously through my children because I would be dead by now!!! I came close tonight of heart failure when I checked my email and found a note from my (step)son from whom I haven't heard a word in eight months...such a shock! He wanted my phone number so he could call and he assured me that he loved me in his email. Now, I find that hard to believe sometimes when he doesn't call for eight months!

In all fairness, I have a last confession...late in our married life/// year 23, the father decides he wants a divorce and said a lot of negative things about me to the son. Our relationship has been strained since then (1993) Who knows, perhaps he is mellowing with age?

But maybe the question is this? Did having a bipolar mother have anything to do with this? Did raising them to be independent people have anything to do with it? Does living in different states have anything to do with it? Are "Kodak" famililes a fairy tale?

THE YOUNGEST DAUGHTER SPEAKS AND I'M OK

i HAVE HEARD FROM THE SILENT ONE. SHE INFORMS ME BY EMAIL THAT SHE HAS LOST HER CELL PHONE AND NOT YET REPLACED IT; NOT BEEN CHECKING EMAIL AND GOING BACK AND FORTH TO DALLAS ALMOST DAILY. THAT SHE WANTS TO BE LEFT ALONE RIGHT NOW AND NEED HER SPACE THAT I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT...THAT SHE WILL, HOWEVER WRITE ME ONCE A WEEK.

NO!! I do not understand it. Except that she just can't face everyone because her business failed and her life was not the fantasy she portrayed. She is ill but believes she is fine. In talking to my pdoc he suggests bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. She is going to end up in trouble for writing bad checks; her business was closed for not paying taxes; from what I can glean she has no source of income, things are tied up in probate, there were really no assets and what there is will have to be split with his child from previous marriage. 1/3 to S 2/3 to the kid on the house! TX law for someone who messed around and didn't get the will signed and didn't get the house put in her name. I am so mad at him I could kill him if he weren't already dead. He wasn't insurable because he had liver disease -- she found out right before the wedding. After the funeral, she just went silent on all of us. Her sister and I have called any number of people to see if they have heard from her as she failed to answer phone messages on the house phone, cell phone, email messages.. A million thoughts occur...did she get depressed and start drinking and fall and hit her head? Did she do herself in? Is she just lying around depressed and not talking to anybody? What is going on? Finally a wellness check by the police determines she is apparently ok as her jeep leaves the condo on Saturday. But even though the house phone answer machine does ring in the house, she returns no calls. At least we know she is alive. Then finally yesterday -- email confirmation.

So M, the eldest daughter is calling me asking "How do I let this go?" She is obsessed with her sister getting help. You and I know that until you admit you have a problem, you aren't going to get help. S cannot be helped right now. So I told M, it is not her problem. S is an adult but she has the emotional state of a 2 year old right now and you wouldn't get mad at a 2 year old acting like she is. Think of her as 2. Remember that she is not your child. You no longer have responsibility for babysitting her like when you were 14. You have children of your own and a husband who need your attention. Put your sister and her problem in the basket labelled "Things about which I can do nothing"//// say a prayer ////Let your mother handle what can be done if it arises which is to rally psychiatric help if she ends up in trouble...the basis: "I am her mother. I am diagnosed bipolar I rapid cycling. It is a hereditary disorder. S has been exhibiting behavior for some time. Please have the attorney have the court order a psychiatric evaluation." That is the only hope that I hold for her at this point. She is delusional.

I never thought I would see the day that I would be telling someone about the benefits of not being manic. I loved that feeling. I miss the highs. I miss the feeling of great accomplishment and creativity which go along with it. But I also have learned over time that there is peace that I have never known in stability...in going at one speed. Don't misunderstand, I have my days of mania...but they are farther apart and not so enjoyable. They leave me shaking. I enjoy them while in the moment...I am caught up in the spirit of the thing...accomplishing great things...feeling like the old Michele....but afterwards I'm on Ativan to calm down and stop physically shaking... It is this sense of peace and stability that allows me to put this in the basket of things about which I can only do certain things and go on about the daily events of my life without upset and mayhem. I have been able to stay focused and do my usual routine, visit with my friends, keep my therapy appointments, work on my various creative projects, read, etc and sleep. I even spent time on the phone Wednesday with a bipolar friend having a go-round with her pdoc about medication issues, advising her that with the right medication she would be calm and stable. (It seems the depakote she didn't want to take made her belligerent enough to hall off and hit her husband in the nose, breaking it.) I agreed with her that she ought to see the alternate psychiatrist and get different medication. Just thought I'd throw that in as a point of interest for all of you who get frustrated with your pdoc who won't listen when you tell him that you have taken a med before and it really didn't make you feel "right"/ They should be shot for insisting that you take it again. At any rate, I'm rambling on now and it's late...I'm off to bed...My final word...

Stability is a good thing. The world moves a little slower but things make sense. No one seems to be looking at you funny. Life is good. Sometimes I get bored...Sometimes I long for a manic moment...Sometimes I miss the old Michele.......................but I don't miss the confusion, the panic, the stress, the people looking at me, the having to be the best, the having to be busy every minute, financial disasters, the headaches, the panic attacks, the trying to be perfect. It's an accomplishment to not have those things in my life --- at least, I haven't had them there for awhile. I realize that at any time, I could have a major mood swing happen; but I'm alert and watching for signs of instability all the time and tweaking my medicine monthly and that just may be the answer. That and biweekly therapy.

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