THE YOUNGEST DAUGHTER SPEAKS AND I'M OK

i HAVE HEARD FROM THE SILENT ONE. SHE INFORMS ME BY EMAIL THAT SHE HAS LOST HER CELL PHONE AND NOT YET REPLACED IT; NOT BEEN CHECKING EMAIL AND GOING BACK AND FORTH TO DALLAS ALMOST DAILY. THAT SHE WANTS TO BE LEFT ALONE RIGHT NOW AND NEED HER SPACE THAT I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT...THAT SHE WILL, HOWEVER WRITE ME ONCE A WEEK.

NO!! I do not understand it. Except that she just can't face everyone because her business failed and her life was not the fantasy she portrayed. She is ill but believes she is fine. In talking to my pdoc he suggests bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. She is going to end up in trouble for writing bad checks; her business was closed for not paying taxes; from what I can glean she has no source of income, things are tied up in probate, there were really no assets and what there is will have to be split with his child from previous marriage. 1/3 to S 2/3 to the kid on the house! TX law for someone who messed around and didn't get the will signed and didn't get the house put in her name. I am so mad at him I could kill him if he weren't already dead. He wasn't insurable because he had liver disease -- she found out right before the wedding. After the funeral, she just went silent on all of us. Her sister and I have called any number of people to see if they have heard from her as she failed to answer phone messages on the house phone, cell phone, email messages.. A million thoughts occur...did she get depressed and start drinking and fall and hit her head? Did she do herself in? Is she just lying around depressed and not talking to anybody? What is going on? Finally a wellness check by the police determines she is apparently ok as her jeep leaves the condo on Saturday. But even though the house phone answer machine does ring in the house, she returns no calls. At least we know she is alive. Then finally yesterday -- email confirmation.

So M, the eldest daughter is calling me asking "How do I let this go?" She is obsessed with her sister getting help. You and I know that until you admit you have a problem, you aren't going to get help. S cannot be helped right now. So I told M, it is not her problem. S is an adult but she has the emotional state of a 2 year old right now and you wouldn't get mad at a 2 year old acting like she is. Think of her as 2. Remember that she is not your child. You no longer have responsibility for babysitting her like when you were 14. You have children of your own and a husband who need your attention. Put your sister and her problem in the basket labelled "Things about which I can do nothing"//// say a prayer ////Let your mother handle what can be done if it arises which is to rally psychiatric help if she ends up in trouble...the basis: "I am her mother. I am diagnosed bipolar I rapid cycling. It is a hereditary disorder. S has been exhibiting behavior for some time. Please have the attorney have the court order a psychiatric evaluation." That is the only hope that I hold for her at this point. She is delusional.

I never thought I would see the day that I would be telling someone about the benefits of not being manic. I loved that feeling. I miss the highs. I miss the feeling of great accomplishment and creativity which go along with it. But I also have learned over time that there is peace that I have never known in stability...in going at one speed. Don't misunderstand, I have my days of mania...but they are farther apart and not so enjoyable. They leave me shaking. I enjoy them while in the moment...I am caught up in the spirit of the thing...accomplishing great things...feeling like the old Michele....but afterwards I'm on Ativan to calm down and stop physically shaking... It is this sense of peace and stability that allows me to put this in the basket of things about which I can only do certain things and go on about the daily events of my life without upset and mayhem. I have been able to stay focused and do my usual routine, visit with my friends, keep my therapy appointments, work on my various creative projects, read, etc and sleep. I even spent time on the phone Wednesday with a bipolar friend having a go-round with her pdoc about medication issues, advising her that with the right medication she would be calm and stable. (It seems the depakote she didn't want to take made her belligerent enough to hall off and hit her husband in the nose, breaking it.) I agreed with her that she ought to see the alternate psychiatrist and get different medication. Just thought I'd throw that in as a point of interest for all of you who get frustrated with your pdoc who won't listen when you tell him that you have taken a med before and it really didn't make you feel "right"/ They should be shot for insisting that you take it again. At any rate, I'm rambling on now and it's late...I'm off to bed...My final word...

Stability is a good thing. The world moves a little slower but things make sense. No one seems to be looking at you funny. Life is good. Sometimes I get bored...Sometimes I long for a manic moment...Sometimes I miss the old Michele.......................but I don't miss the confusion, the panic, the stress, the people looking at me, the having to be the best, the having to be busy every minute, financial disasters, the headaches, the panic attacks, the trying to be perfect. It's an accomplishment to not have those things in my life --- at least, I haven't had them there for awhile. I realize that at any time, I could have a major mood swing happen; but I'm alert and watching for signs of instability all the time and tweaking my medicine monthly and that just may be the answer. That and biweekly therapy.