PARADOX OF PARENTHOOD

Parenting is thought of in traditional terms. The mom and dad raising the chiildren...taking them to kindergarten, watching that first date, sending them off to college, walking her down the aisle...All predictable...All assuming you know what is g oing on in their lives...All assuming that you are their natural parent with the same emotions. But life isn't like that in this world. We pretend too much.

I raised five children. His two, my two from previous marriages and our one. His two were ages 2 and 3 when they started calling me "mommy". I love them as dearly as if I had carried them for nine months. But, you know, despite the fact that their time spent with their mother was minimal --- and for my son, it was a bad relationship --- they go for months without contacting me. Somehow, and I can't put my finger on it, there is a difference.. It is like they say to themselves, "She is mom, but she isn't technically, but she IS mom." They have both told their natural motoher that I am "Mom". ... and when they need their "mom" it's me that they call...and yet, they go for months without calling. Explain it to me. I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!!

The children that I carried for nine months == my "natural children" == call me weekly...unless something isn't going well in which case I won't hear from them. They're funny that way. I know that if I don't hear from them something is wrong and I should call. It took awhile for me to figure this out but sure enough it is true for all three of them. (That's why I'm so sure there is a lot wrong with the youngest one right now ---------you see, she doesn't want to communicate!!)

So the point of this is that life is not necessarily this predictable Kodak moment. Children do not necessarily stay in touch on a daily basis letting you share with them what is part of their ongoing life. Some of them,, and maybe it's my fault for encouraging individual independence, carry on their life leaving only a weekly or even bi=weekly update of the highllights, if you will. It's a good thing that I'm not one of those parents who intended to live vicariously through my children because I would be dead by now!!! I came close tonight of heart failure when I checked my email and found a note from my (step)son from whom I haven't heard a word in eight months...such a shock! He wanted my phone number so he could call and he assured me that he loved me in his email. Now, I find that hard to believe sometimes when he doesn't call for eight months!

In all fairness, I have a last confession...late in our married life/// year 23, the father decides he wants a divorce and said a lot of negative things about me to the son. Our relationship has been strained since then (1993) Who knows, perhaps he is mellowing with age?

But maybe the question is this? Did having a bipolar mother have anything to do with this? Did raising them to be independent people have anything to do with it? Does living in different states have anything to do with it? Are "Kodak" famililes a fairy tale?