THIS AND THAT

In noting the headline news on Yahoo, there ws an item on a device for the relief of depression. A cjeck thereon reveals close FDA approval for the Vagus nerve stimulator a device which is implanted and would replace the medication and side effects of antidepressants for millions with chronic depression, unipolar and bipolar depression. There is some question about the testing procedures used while doing the studies leading up to one company opposing the FDA's approval while others remain hopeful that it will be granted. Surely those patients involved in the tests who have have noticed drastic improvement in their lives are supporting the approval by FDA. You can find more by searching under Vagus nerve stimulator.

Also, if you have never seen it, www.Remedyfind,com contains info on various medications, including effectiveness and side effects. They are indexed by disorder and there is a section for bipolar.

I have been in a slump for several weeks now and can't really attribute it to anything going on to feel that it is situational depression. This leads me to believe that my normal cycle must be on a downward swing at the present. I am trying hard to stick to my schedule and make sure that sleep is sacred at its appropriate time only/. Friday Bill and I went and bought some plants for the backyard planters and I set about repotting them. Usually working at the gardening puts me in an improved mood. I worked out there all afternoon into early evening. Even planted four tomato plants along the side of the garage. Maybe looking after them will help improve my mood. A little nurturing for the plants, a little nurturing for Michele's soul.

My shoulder is slowly improving but it is still very sore and the range of motion still limited. At the rate things are going I can see it taking at least another four weeks to be back to normal if not longer. What a bothersome thing it is. The foot is mountains better. I think another few days and I can take the portable cast/boot off. I tried going without it today but by 3:00 it was fairly well swollen so back to the boot.

A wonderful CAJUN party on Saturday which I wiill relate tomorrow. I hope all is well with the rest of the world.

Check Michele's Poetry

New Poem: Perfectly Bipolar

MENTAL EXERCISE - TONING UP

I recently read a long article on dementia, Alzheimers and the elderly . It seems the effects of exercising the brain with cross wordpuzzles , logic puzzles, and other intellectually challenging problems, have proven helpful in preventing or prolonging the onset of dementia in the elderly. Also there is evidence that the higher educated and those that continue on in education courses seem less likely to be hit with Alzheimers. This led me to the thought that as bipolar individuals, we have periods of mixed thought patterns and why wouldn't such brain exercises prove just as helpful to us in keeping our thoughts clear. It's worth looking into.

TEN THINGS I'VE NEVER DONE

I'll take you up on your offer, Blondzila. Many things I have done which I never thought I would, some which I didn't think I could and definitely some I know I ought not should.
But I have missed the following:

1. Seriously climbed a mountain with ropes and climbing gear.

2: Drove a Harley Davidson or any motorcycle.

3. Ridden in a helicopter.

4. Traveled internationally.

5. Read all the classics.

6. Spoken another language fluently.

7. Played the violin.

8. Been to the ballet.

9. Seen all my grandchildren.

10. Been free of bipolar disorder.

Now who will be next?

STRANGE FEELINGS

Feeling strange today. I had a lunch date with Hugh. Didn't really want to go as I had nothing to wear. All my clothes are slowly getting too small. I don't know where this weight is coming from. I don't think I am eating any differently; but somehow the scales are resting at 164 instead of 150. Nothing wants to fit. I completely quit buying Oreo cookies three weeks ago thinking maybe I was overdoing them. Maybe it's the ice cream. and then again, maybe it's not eating three meals a day or not drinking enough water. One thing is for sure, I have to tackle the problem with some sort of diet. I already am exercising in the pool for an hour a day.

The strange feeling is like my meds are off. A funny feeling like I'm kind of "out of it". It only lasts for a few seconds and then it's gone. It comes and goes throughout the day. It actually started yesterday afternoon. Very weird. And, of course, I just saw my shrink last week. If this doesn't go away in a couple of days, I'll have to call and make an appointment and go in to see what this is all about. Why is it when you finally get a combo of medicines that work together and everything is working hunky dory you start having a mood swing or one of the medicines goes whacky? Murphy's Law? Well I'm praying it was sun spots and that when I get up tomorrow everything will be fine.

And speaking of strange feelings, I don't know what I would do if I weren't bipolar. I wouldn't have anything to keep track of. I'd just do normal stuff like go to work, have a career, have a boyfriend, go out on adventurous dates, travel, be size 8. Heck that would be a really strange feeling!

update

A trip to my friend the wise Dr Burden today. I haven't been for two weeks. I hate skipping a week. This was a trial basis to see if since the insurance coverage is less could I maybe cut back and save some cost. Maybe I didn't mention my insurance changed this year...all of a sudden I have a $2500 out of pocket to pay before my secondary pays anything. Real nice surprise, huh? I could just about guarantee if this were still Mobil only rather than Exxon Mobil we would have United Healthcare instead of Aetna and they wouldn't have shoved a $2500 out of pocket in our face. Oh well...what do Mobil retirees mean to Exxon Mobil right? At least I still have insurance....after I pay the first $2500. Sorry didn't mean to start my irritable ranting. I have little tolerance for disappointments of this nature. I expect people to do what they said they would do. I expect people to be fair and kind. In otherwords, I am not totally rational at the moment and am very tired and of a mood to sleep if it were acceptable behavior during the day... I have determined that this is the beginning of a slight depression.. I may increase my antidepressant a bit for a week and see if it gets better. That is our usual step. We'll see. Maybe i'll be better tomorrow if I finally sleep tonight. Gotta go now and see what happens regarding sleep. Nite all.

BIPOLAR SELF AWARENESS:t

I have to thank Blondzila in SANITY OPTIONAL for talking about holding up her bipolar template in a situation to judge whether her behavior is by any chance tainted by this disease that some of us share. Always looking for clues that it is about to raise its maniacal head and roar "let the fun begin". This kind of self-examination can drive a person mad in short order. and she is not alone. I put off going to the MD as long as I could for this physical problem of my foot and shoulder. Only when my arm would not lift even with my breast did I realize that it was :stuck" and I was going to have to gol The MD xrayed and sent me on to the specialist. When I entered the specialist's office on Friday I began pulling in to myself. I was very apprehensive about the broken footo and frozen shoulder. but worse, I felt I was on exhibition. And that is ridiculous. I know, after all, that "No one can make you feel inferior without your consentl" (Eleanor Roosevelt ) and yet, there I was with a broken foot, a frozen shoulder and all I could think of was "I'm bipolar". Now a rational person knows that this is completely irrelevant. Take a measurement. Yep! bipolar behavior. The doctor examines the foot and the shoulder. We talk. Next I am given instructions about arranging for therapy and trnsportation, when the doctor wants to see me again. and we are done. She gives me the boot for my foot and the nurse helps fit it and I leave. Once I have gone I realize I did not ask about any more pain pills. Now I will have to call them back. I have called about the therapy but am waiting for them to call back. Nothing is easily done. My mind is in a state of confusion as I try to put all this in some semblance of order so that I can deal with it. How can someone who used to be a top administrative support person not be able to organize a task so simple. I can feel it starting again; Round and round it goes, pulling down in a circle round and round down and down. Yep! bipolar behavior. It';s building. I often wish someone could take a picture of the colors present in the atmosphere the colors we can't see. I'll bet there is a splurge of rainbow fireworks to watch as the brain electronics explode

WALK LIKE A BROKEN FOOTED PERSON OR ??

So on Tuesday AM I went in to see MY doctor who wanted to look at the foot and the shoulder herself as the x-rays show no break. After poking my foot she announced that it obviously had a hairline fracture which just was not showing up and let's get a bone scan so "you won't think you're going crazy". I asked if we would be treating it differently. She answered in the negative. I replied that since I'm comfortable knowing that I am crazy there's some merit in not doing the bone scan in the interest of keeping medical costs down, rising insurance rates, etc. She agreed. We laughed. As to the shoulder, she referred me to a specialist and gave me some exercises to do in the meantime and we discussed the importance of moving it so that I don't get "frozen shoulder". I see the specialist in the a.m. Between you and me, I'm asking her about my foot. It doesn't make sense to me to be walking around on a swollen foot, no crutch or cane, not wrapped or compressed, only using ice for the swelling and "staying off" it isn't possible when I am walking like normal. Hopefully, you know what I mean. When I broke my other foot, it was in a walking cat! Not saying I want one...Just saying maybe people would believe I need to put my foot up if I had a crutch and a wrapped foot? There I've said it. I'm having a bit of a credibility problem. Because I look okay --- I must be okay. Please hope that I get the proper props from the doc tomorrow to assist in healing this swollen foot. I'm tired of the pulsating swollen pain from walking on it parts of the day. and yes, I am a baby.

thank God for the cleaning ladies today. They really saved me in getting this house ready for the sr. management poker party (Exxon Mobil) that Bill hosts tomorrow tonight.

Weather is beautiful. In the 80s and the pool is clear and water perfect. I am blessed. Thank you God.

I'M HERE - FOOT IN AIR

Well on WEDNESDAY I went to the efficient doctor to have my foot rechecked pursuant to Dr. orders and she pronounced it to be swollen very much and it should be re-x-rayed. She also examined my shoulder which has been bothering me since a couple weeks before I went to San Diego and is getting steadily more painful...to the point that I felt it was time to have it examined. So it was to be x-rayed as well. She sent me to the emergency clinic next door. I thought that was fine. WRONG. Little did I know that this meant the xrays would be driven to NE Hospital five miles away to be read by the radiologists there who would write a report and then sent back to the doctor's office. She will have them MONDAY. Needless to say I am not impressed with this technologically efficient method of dealing with something which is swollen, giving me pain. I found out about this time table when I called on Thursday to get the Xray results. Silly me, I thought they sent the X-ray back to the doctor. Believe it or not, when I was younger, doctors could and did read x=rays. She wasn't much more help about the shoulder. She guessed it might take physical therapy and that if the x-ray didn't show anything it would take an MRI. and if physical therapy wasn't effective it could
take surgery. Think I couldn't have come up with that on my own??? This wasn't my usual doctor. When I got the time table on Thursday I asked to talk to a nurse and explained that this was Thursday. one of the reasons I came in was pain, and now it was going to be Monday?????? She talked to the doctor and I did get a prescription for some pain pills for mild to moderate pain. They don't kill it all the way, but close. The only remaining problem is that the sit with your foot elevated instruction still goes and I am getting very bored in front of the TV. and I can't get anything else done. It's driving this semi-manic person crazy to sit still in her chair. Hopefully I'll get some news tomorrow when the PONY EXPRESS MEDICAL SERVICE GETS THE XRAYS TO MY DOCTOR. Thanks for listening to me rant and rave.

For more pleasant writing check new poetry on Michele's Poetry.

HOW CAN I HELP?????

How do you help another who is married to an alcoholic when the other admits it but is in denial? Especially when you are the mother of that other. See, the plot thickens. Now we have all the really sticky emotions glopped in there. The eggshells for walking on. The feelings to be sure you do not hurt. And, once again, I bow my head and pray for divine inspiration to lead me through this potential explosion. The powder keg just lies there.

I'm told that he is jaundiced because of some medicine the doctors have given him for his stomach...Some damage done when he was a child. Very nebulous, I think to myself. I am not that young...I mean I have been around long enough to know a few basics. And one of those is that even if it is your stomach, you don't pour alcohol in there if your liver is turning you yellow. His eyes are practically glowing and his skin a goldenrod cast.. It's serious. I am no doctor or nurse. But I am well read. I made it a point to do so the first time I saw him a little yellow and my daughter told me he was in the hospital a day later. I also remember she threw out the alcohol then. ( She forgets she told me.)

I want to tell her to open up to me... Be honest ...You aren't fooling me Stefanie! Remember!! I'm the one who is the recovering alcoholic! I've been sober for five years (a bipolar episodic slip) and three years before that. I understand about Phillip's demons. He's on a self-destruction run. Everything possible to save him mentally and physically has to be done and NOW. It is time to pull out all the stops. She is taking care of the household and worrying about Phillip. I know she must be scared. She is carrying the load for the business they have started together. She is exhausted.

Being bipolar, I can react wrong/jump in too much. I have to now stand back and take a measure of how best I can help. As a recovering alcoholic, I know I could talk to him. That's what I would like to do...as a mother-in-law who loves him I would like to give some comfort. But Stefanie must provide a time and place and I think she is afraid to involve me. If only I drove I would take it upon myself to drop in unannounced. But then I might catch him drinking! Comments are certainly welcome.